Are Bowling Demons Real?

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Yes they are.
Definition: n. scary little buggers that eat up sniveling, whiny pinheads, and spitting them out, generally, at their bowling opponents. Can be nasty, depending on how much they've had to drink. No pinhead has ever been known to survive an encounter with a Bowling Demon. They are to be avoided at all costs, if they are real. There are phonies, but they are not too scary.
It is not known yet if Bowling Demons are born or made. We still have a lot of research to do. And that is exactly what we are doing at Really Funny Bowling T-Shirts, our bowling research wing. We've found out a lot over there. In recent days we've found conclusive evidence that our new President, Barack Obama wants to bowl with us. And he likes our t-shirts. Who knew? Now we all do, the secret is out, and we've put the proof on that site. His administration leaks like a sieve, so it was inevitable that the public would know eventually. We are in negotiations now to set up the bowling match, a very laborious task what with all of the security issues, as you can imagine, we're not exactly on his Blackberry list. Just because he plays basketball doesn't mean he can keep a bowling ball out of the gutter, so hopefully he can tone down his cockiness just a tad, especially since he throws a baseball like a girl. This little Bowling Demon is ready to chew him up and spit him out. We'll have to wait and see how he spins the results after he gets his butt kicked at the bowling alley. Wanna bet if he loses MSNBC won't carry it? But FOX sure will.

Bowling Pinheads T-Shirt

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Attack Of The Pinheads
It was late. The game was almost over...almost.
The Pinheads had just about enough. They had one ball too many thrown at them. They had too many names yelled at them. No matter what they did, it just wasn't good enough. Now was the time for action. They would stage a revolt. They would demand their rights. They would resist the pressure to play ball. They would no longer roll over for just anybody. They were mad and they weren't going to take this lying down.
"Strike! You want a strike, Ball Boy? We're on strike!"
"We're not going down this time!"
"Let's see how you do with a little resistance!"
Well, you could tell that the bowlers were stymied. They were never spoken to that way before, at least not by Pinheads. Sure, there was always some friction. But now, now they had completely lost control. Their center of gravity had shifted. This couldn't be good. They would now have to watch their backs. The dark alleys were never going to be the same again. There would be grippers lurking in those graveyards, and they would not be the usual suspects. There would now be a new definition of a 'heavy hit'. There would be no more cheater balls, only cheater pins. The Pinheads would be the only crankers now.
The bowlers were now in deep doodoo and they knew it. Their balls would be D.O.A. They would be hammered.
Yes, a new day was dawning.
The revolution has begun.
The Pinheads have attacked.
And the lights went out.
What will become of us now?

Now, if we could only get our citizens to treat our hired public servants in the same fashion we may still be able to hold on to the Republic.

Pig Out!

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Yeah, that's right, I'm a pig. So what?
It was good, there was a lot of it, and I ATE IT ALL.
Thanksgiving Dinner. Ahhh!!! I could eat turkey every day of the week. And I could eat a lot of it and ALL of the trimmings. And I don't feel an ounce of guilt or shame over it. But people have said some terrible things to me about my shape and size. What do they want..."I'm a pig" I tell them. It's as if they have no compassion or empathy at all. One even suggested stomach stapling. STOMACH STAPLING? "I'm a pig! And I 'want' to eat a lot. Why would I want my stomach stapled?" I may not be the brightest pig in the stie, but wouldn't that make my stomach smaller? I want it enlarged, not shrunk.
I love to eat and I'm comfortable in my own body. The sanctimonious crowd, the government food Nazis, may not be comfortable with eating this much, but I say, "Good! More for me. Now get out of the way before I staple your mouth shut."
"Just pass the turkey."
"That stuffing doesn't have bacon in it, does it? Then again, don't tell me."

The Fish That Got Away

The Fish That Got Away T-Shirt

Did you ever hear the real story about the 'original' fish that got away? I'll bet you've heard a lot of variations of it. It's like the telephone game. These tales just seem to get distorted. But once upon a time there really was an original fish, that just had it with the ocean. And this is his story.
It's a well known 'true' fact, about this particular area of the ocean, that the fish generally are fishitarians. It's like a religion. And most fish subscribe to it almost, well, religiously. There are rules, such as you have to be able to swim. You have to be colorful. There are strict dietary rules too, which of course is how it got it's name, fishitarian. Obviously they eat fish and that's exclusive. It's the law. You can be excommunicated if you deviated from this practice. It's not a hard law at all since these fish apparently are cannibals. They eat each other and no one seems to think this odd. They like fish so it is not a difficult requirement for most fish to follow. No little fish ever wakes up and says, "Mom, why do we eat fish?" It's just like breathing, you just do it.
Except for Bill.
He not only thought it odd, he feared for his life. But it wasn't always this way. He used to be 'normal'.
But that was then.
One day, while a couple of fishermen were fishing, they passed over Bill's area of 'the pond'. (They got that from an English Salmon that got lost one day and wound up off the coast of sunny Florida. They thought it was cool so ever since they've referred to their ocean as 'the pond'.) Anyway the fishermen, knowing the exotic nature of the fish in this area, kept throwing in some pretty good squid, eel, and really tasty clams to attract Bill and his friends. They went nuts over this feast, it was like gourmet city. They had to keep moving to avoid getting caught but the food along the way was great. They zigged and zagged between appetizer and entree. And OHHH!!! Those desserts were to die for.
They never had anything like this before. James seemed to become somewhat addicted to the crawfish almost immediately. While the fishermen were preparing the next batch, James was quite impatient...no, he was salivating, and darting back and forth anxiously under the boat and carelessly rammed it from underneath. He jostled the boat so badly that the fisherman's burger, made just the way he liked it, was knocked right out of his hand and into the water. Well no, not really, it went right into Bill's mouth. He was right under the boat when the burger took flight, and it fell into his open mouth and he ate it, swallowed it and said "What the heck was that!" That taste! That aroma! It was simply unbelievable. He thought, "Surely I died and went to fish heaven." This was not like anything he's eaten before. This was not like...fish. This was pure excitement. this was nirvana. He was euphoric. His friends immediately, including James, came to his rescue they tried to pump his stomach. They thought he would be deathly ill. But no, he was fine and no one could understand why. No one could understand his sublime demeanor, since this was poisonous food for fishitarians, every one knows that. But nothing happened to Bill. Nothing. Yet.
This was too much excitement for one day so they called it quits and went home.
Bill couldn't sleep at all that night. He knew this was going to be trouble. He couldn't get the memory out of his mind or stomach of how good that red greasy burger was. "No, No! It can't be. They'll all find out. They'll know. They'll know what I secretly think of. I really want another beefy burger." Fishitarians will know you don't behave like this from eating fish. And this was against the law.
But it got even worse.
Bill lost his taste for fish completely. It just couldn't compare. He couldn't hide it any more. He would rather starve that eat those bland neighbors of his again. He knew he would have to leave the community before he was found out. He would be excommunicated for sure. And that would be too humiliating.
So he made his plans and one day, he just left everything behind. Who could blame him. We all know how fish can be so boring, and you know how they just don't satisfy. In an hour your hungry again. Bill couldn't eat even one more clam.
Bill left the pond. It was nothing personal. He just had to get outta there. He just needed a good meal. He headed out for the main land, the big city lights, he would just follow the aroma until he reached his new nirvana, the Big Beefy Burger Hut, two blocks north and on the right.
The fishitarians never did hear from Bill again. But there were rumors that the Sea Shack, right up above 'the pond' had a special that night. A rare strange and colorful fish was caught and the customers are still talking about how good it was until today. We tend to think that it could be...nah...nah. Was it? Nooo! It couldn't be, could it? But everyone seems to think, on that fateful day, Bill swallowed something that would eventually kill him, although ironically, make him taste really good.
But we will never know for sure.

Click here for The Fish That Got Away T-Shirts, they make great gifts for fish lovers.

Bowl With Uncle Sam T-Shirt

The Not Too Official United States Bowling Team T-Shirt

Uncle Sam has been getting the snot beat out of him lately from all sides and all countries. Here he is a nice guy that has helped more people than anyone else around the world and what does he get for it? He's called every name under the sun, and the moon, and the stars. He does have feelings you know.
He's exhausted.
So what, you ask, does he do to relax. You guess it...HE BOWLS! And he is quite good too.
Bowl with Uncle Sam. Everyone wants to be on his team,
The Not Too Official United States Bowling Team. But are these guys really ready for prime time? Of course not. That's why this team is called "The Not Too Official United States Bowling Team". Maybe someday. But they do have really good competition from Team USA. So they will just have to practice more. But from the looks of his team mates, they are bowling to kill.
Uncle Sam endorses our bowling shirts. Wow! He likes The Not Too Official United States Bowling Team T-Shirt and see, he is wearing our Bowling Pinheads T-Shirt.
He really does have great taste in clothes.
Start the year off right. Bowl with a team that has authority in those dark alleys.

Cranky Bears International

You've all heard of The Teddy Bear's Picnic, right? You've all heard of the warnings, that it was not safe to go in the woods alone. That it was better for you to stay at home. It sounds like an ominous warning. A very terrifying situation those picnics must have been to outsiders. And what kind of games do you supposed they played? What could be so terrifying? Was this some kind of secret society? What are they, Masons, or something?
Well, some of our number took them up on their warning to go in disguise, and snoop them out. Not one of these bears were aware that an intruder, a spy, was in their midst. And what the spies found was hardly a picnic with happy go lucky teddy bears. And this was surely a big surprise.
They found out all they needed to know about these supposedly gay bears. Why, they aren't gay at all. And they don't much like dancing about either, and they are never happy with their food, they don't think it's all that wonderful. They actually have a lot of things on their minds.
This picnic is really the annual meeting of the Cranky Bears International. And they have lots to be cranky about. They don't like being asked questions, they don't like interviews. They don't like snoops. They don't like fun and games. And they don't like cheap chocolate. They don't consider cheap chocolate much of a treat at all. They are not politically correct, and could care less if you approve of them or not.
They especially think the government sucks. They are tired of the government trying to tag them all the time. They are tired of being traced. Others have a right to privacy, they don't understand why they don't. They are sick and tired of the government intervening in their lives.
The only question on their minds is, what are they going to do about these nosy senators and congressmen? They stink, and these bears know it. They aren't serving them well at all.
Finally, after what seemed to be an endless debate, a voice of reason stood up and proclaimed, "We're bears for goodness sake! We'll just eat them!"
Eat them?
Well of course! How very simple. We'll just eat them!
"What an excellent idea. And so obvious," the rest of the C.B.I. members said in unison. "Why haven't we thought of that before? How could this delightful, and satisfying solution have eluded us for so long?"
So with their resolution decided on unanimously, and the day of their grand Congressional Banquet set, for the first time in the whole history of the Cranky Bears International, there wasn't one member there that was actually cranky. They toasted their upcoming national feast, ate their cheap chocolate, and for the first time in their lives, smiled at each other.
If only humans could come up with as satisfying solution to Congress.

Cranky Bears International T-Shirts and Buttons from The Smokin' Frog, makes a great holiday gift.

The Dark Alley Boys T-Shirt

Many people fear dark alleys, with good reason. You never know what's lurking in those scary dark alleys. Many, in our world today, have many grievances. Many have decided to take the vigilante root. Now, this is illegal. So to take this root, you have to be ready to suffer the consequences. Some, in our world today, have been mightily provoked. Like our friends here, the Dark Alley Boys. They're pinheads. Good for nothing but for beating the crap out of. Well, they have had just about enough of this racist violence. What have pinheads ever done to anyone? Nothing. And what do they get for their pacifism? Assaulted, mercilessly and often. Well clearly, pacifism doesn't work. They have had enough. Now, they're stark, raving, mad pinheads ready to fight the next bowling ball and bowler that assaults them. They will take no prisoners. They are dressed to kill. Look at their snarl. You don't get that kind of a professional snarl by being a kissy-faced, pacifist, love everybody, Mr. Rogers loser. No way. Now it's war. Tonight the Dark Alley Boys strike back! "BRING IT ON BALL BOY!!!"
Wearing the Dark Alley Boys T-Shirt the next time you visit the bowling alley, will let your opponents know to be very afraid.
The Smokin' Frog T-Shirts and Gifts have lots of cool t-shirts for Christmas and Holiday gifts. Shop early.

Lipstick on a Pig

Well, we sure heard a lot about those classy pigs lately. But it was a surprise to some people that pigs had such good taste. Some of us always knew it. And now the whole country does too. Pigs love to look good. You can slop in mud and goo just so much. Then it's time to get all fixed up with your prettiest shade of pink lipstick and hustle over to the next farm, pick up your lady friends and go out on the town. And there is no shame in being a pig. They know full well that lipstick would never change that. They are proud to be the pigs that they are. Let's face it, we all know a lot of people that we would love to change, if it was as easy as wearing lipstick. But no. No matter how classy some look, they are still _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
Ohh, I wonder what that spells. Hmmm....
Lipstick on a Pig T-Shirt will surely get a laugh, and laughing is good for us, right?
Whether it's bowling season or Christmas and Holiday Shopping time, you'll find lot's of funny t-shirts and gifts at The Smokin' Frog.

Cheese Addicts Vanish Overnight

Cheese-o-holics Anonymous has given up. After much study, programs and drugs, it has been decided that the condition, the disease, can't be cured. Addicts to cheese are just plain screwed.
Once a cheese-o-holic, always a cheese-o-holic. That's it, tough luck, deal with it.
So this venerable institution has been disbanded.
The researchers, being out of a job, but being very creative, have come up with a solution to their penniless condition and their insatiable addiction. And last week they unveiled their gift to an awaiting world. And the Grand Opening of The Cheesy Club was greeted with riotous applause.
The Cheesy Club is just what cheese-o-holics have been salivating for. The shame and the stigma of addiction has been lifted literally overnight, as cheese-o-holics have been elevated to the status of Connoisseurs. What a turn of events. Addicts, that simply can't control themselves, now find themselves...experts, professionals. Filling the needs of enquiring minds. Providing information that can make or break ones social status. Giving freely the information that we crave. Allowing us to continue on with the facade that we actually know something about fine dining.
They provide us with answers to the questions that keep us up at night, such as:
-Cheddar or American? Which is best for burgers?
-What is the proper cheese to have as an appetizer for a pizza party?
-Does the smelly Lindenberger cheese, cause body odor?
-Can you really call pizza, pizza, if it consists of vegetables instead of cheese?
-Does cheese made from reindeer give any ethereal abilities?
-Does Roquefort cheese prevent one from getting sick?
-Why was Miss Muffet so easily dissuaded from her fine dish of expensive cheese?
-Isn't Gjetost really just good candy?
-Don't you think, people passing off tofu as 'cheese imitations' should be put in jail?
-Does any one really know who the original Big Cheese is?
-Why don't we ever see cows eating their own cheese?
-What do cows have to laugh at anyway?
-Are they ever really happy about their product? Do they ever say, "I really could have done better?"
-Do cows, sheep and goats ever fight over whose cheese is best?
-Does blue-veined cheese cause blue-blood people?
-Who was the first person to cut the cheese? And which cheese was it?
It is amazing how these addicts turned their minus into a plus. The Cheesy Club has created elitist positions for all of their addicted clientele, those gurus of all culinary wisdom. They give their deliberations freely, and they really enjoy the gifts that are sent to them in appreciation. Cheese gifts of course.
The first council meeting has concluded and they have issued their first official declarations:
1-CHEESE IS REALLY THE STAFF OF LIFE
An advertising agency changed that to bread a while back and The Cheesy Club wants to set the record straight. Although cheese does taste good with many breads, so they are not trying to knock the bread companies.
2-CHEESE IS NOT JUST FOR DINNER!
No sir, it is a fine food for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, gifts and it is a sleepwalker's delight (just have it cut up before bed, we don't want to encourage sleepwalkers to mess around with knives in their sleep).
So they instruct us to eat cheese, and eat it often.
Look at all of the cheese recipes that we can delight in:
Cheese and crackers
Cheese and wine
Mac and cheese
Cheese casserole
Cheese doodles
Grilled cheese
Cheesecake
Cheese danish
Cheez-its
Cheeseburgers
Cheesesteaks
Cheetos
Cheese balls
Cheese pie
Cheese Whiz
Fried cheese
Cheese fondue
Cheese puffs
Lasagna
Mozzarella and tomatoes
Cheese blintzes
Cheese souffles
Cheese crepes
French onion soup
Chicken Cordon Bleu
We really could go on forever, or almost forever.
And who wouldn't want their caring empathetic friends to bestow on them a cheese basket?
Why, cheese is so good that some people wear it on their heads. What other food do you see people doing that with? Bananas? Who'd look like a fool for a banana. Many of The Cheesy Club's members are of the rodent family. They actually risk their lives to get to their coveted Gruyère. That's right. They defy death all for the love of cheese. Would they do that for tofu? Maybe if they're retarded, because that's crazy man. Tofu? Euuhh!!
The Cheesy Club also issued their first directive (not fully a declaration but close enough) instructing us not to believe the claims from the medical associations, that say cheese can clog our arteries. We should remember all of the lies that were told to us about eggs. For years they put out propaganda demeaning the poor egg, condemning those that partook. No more than one or two a week they told us. Who can eat one egg? That's crazy too. We all know now that eggs never killed anybody. Those same people want to scare us away from our reason for living and The Cheesy Club thinks we shouldn't listen to them. No, they think we should follow the lead of our little mousy friends. Death does not scare them. High medical bills do not scare them. New insurance regulations don't scare them. The government doesn't scare them. The cat does not scare them! Because life without cheese is not worth living.
CHEESE! It's to die for!

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Mr. Frank N. Stein Gets Help

Halloween is right around the corner. And who better to check on than Mr. Frank N. Stein himself. He feels that he has been greatly misunderstood. Well now, we all could relate to that. Life is hard and being called names all the time can wound the spirit fatally. Just imagine what it is like, every time someone, anyone, sees you, that they scream bloody murder. What would you think? "Goodness, is it me?" "Do my clothes match?" "Is my breath fresh?" "Maybe they don't like the color of my skin."
And then they call you a monster. A monster! Why, you don't even know these people. Who do they think they are? Is that what their parents taught them? Well, in any case, it was time for him to talk about it. Hopefully Dr. I. L. Shrinku will be able to give him some peace. He's been treating monsters just like Mr. Stein for many years. Most of his patients have gone on to live normal lives right in the mist of the screaming. Many of his patients are politicians. Really. Dr. I. L. Shrinku has taught them skills which have enabled them to continue on despite their monstrous condition. "See," he tells Mr. Stein, "being a monster has never stopped anyone from living a fulfilling life. Even politicians can live with this condition all of their lives and can still go on to screw up the country. So there's really no need to lose hope."
Maybe Mr. Stein will finally find peace.

Get ready for those scary days ahead, you know, Halloween and Election Day. Buy the Frankenstein Monster t-shirts and gifts at The Smokin' Frog.

NO MORE ILLEGAL ALIENS!

We have had it in this country with all of the illegal aliens. There are just too many of them. Why can't they stay where they belong? So many folks are troubled by this influx. We have laws against illegals. They're criminals. Do our laws mean anything anymore? And what about all of their captives? What have they done to them? These people aren't normal (who knows if they ever were, but they're certainly not now). They just can't keep showing up here and abducting people. These people don't belong to them, they belong to us. They should go and get their own people. And what were they probed with? They surely are different now. Goodness, every freeken light in the sky creates a recurrence of post traumatic stress for these poor souls. And their nightmares...big eyed, green creatures shoving probes into every opening they can find. These people keep waking up in a sweat. And most of them seem to have more openings than they used to have. It's simply inexplicable.
What do they want? Are they going to take over? Kill us? Eat us? What? What do they want?
It really is time that we fight back. Eliminate these foreigners before they eliminate us. New laws must be enacted and enforced. Vaporization should be used before it is too late.
They just can't keep taking over every planet that they are intrigued by. Yeah, yeah, we all know how interesting we are. Every other TV show tells us relentlessly how intriguing we are, so it must be true. But still, they have their own planet and they should stay there. We must insist that Earth is for Earthlings, Mars is for Martians and Venus is for Venusians. These aliens must work to create their own intrigue, not steal ours.
And we really don't know how much damage all of their space ships are doing to the atmosphere. Maybe they are the cause of global warming. They're the ones flying around in our atmosphere all of the time, not us, we're on terra firma, and would like to stay here.
And how many are here already? Do we know? Do you really know that next door neighbor of yours? You know, the one that keeps bringing over the crappy pies. Why can't she learn to cook? Well, maybe she can't. Did you ever think of that? Hmmm...Maybe she's an ALIEN!!!
And why won't that @#%#%$# dog shut up? Does he have a probe up his ass? (That would definitely make me scream blood murder.)
And that hamster. For hours on end he runs and runs and runs in that stupid wheel. Do you really think that's normal? Hamsters used to be a great society. Now they don't care, they're totally docile. What happened. Well, maybe it's just too difficult to stop and sit down.
And notice how squirrels can't make up their mind on crossing the street. It's not that difficult of a decision. They only have two options, go or stay. But nooo...what we get is "this way, that way, this way, that way, too many choices, what shall I do, it looks good over there, but I just don't know." I say "hit the darn things." That'll make them move their butts. But the chipmunks have no problem at all. This is because the squirrels were adducted and modified. Notice all of their erratic twitching. They're being controlled like radio cars by the aliens. They're trying to make us crazy. It's an alien plot against our planet.
Why do you think cows are mad so much lately? Why do you think dogs and cats smell each others butts? Yeah that's real normal. And why do dogs chase their own freeken tails around for hours on end? Let's face it these creatures are insane. Someone has been messing around with our stuff. It must stop now!
No, my friends, the aliens are here. What do they want? Do we really want to wait to find out? Vaporize them now and get it over with.
Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm too harsh.
I don't mean to be harsh but I still say we should vote for NO MORE ILLEGAL SPACE ALIENS!
We should act now before it is too late.

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Real Football is Smash Mouth Football

Look at those idiots! Look at their feeble attempts to block me. "No can do compadre!" They can't stop me. Why? Because they don't call me Smash Mouth for nothing. It's about authority. "You will get outta my way or I will smash you in the mouth and multiple other body parts as well. Best you move your little tucchus over to the sidelines before my footprints are all over it." Oh, that's not very nice, you say? Well I'm not exactly politically or socially correct. I didn't make it to the Superbowl by behaving like a girly man. No way, José. I'm the guy that Madden dreams about. He loves to draw his little scribbles all over me. Fumble is not in my vocabulary. And talk about possession? I'm possessed. Grrr!!! No one can lay a glove on me, I'm like a freight train. I'm the one the fans come to see. They come to see me ramrod my way to the goal post. I'm the main event and everybody knows it. Truth be told, I am the team. The others aren't really necessary, they're just window dressing for me, it gives them something to do while they dream about being me someday.
I always knew my aggressiveness would pay off someday. "Stop that." "Don't hit him." "Behave yourself." "Put your sister down." "Stop twisting her neck." "Stop tossing him around." "Get his head out of the toilet." Shiesh! It was a never ending barrage of complains. You would think that I could do nothing right. But now, all the things that they yelled at me for...they pay me to do them. Yeah, that's right. Muchas money! SMASH MOUTH, that's what they call me. Now all the people that yelled at me, yell for me. Maybe they conveniently forgot. No matter. I don't have time for grudges, just send me the money! I just have time to RUMBLE! Now, they see it my way. My plan for world dominance is moving along right on schedule. Like I said, it's about authority. And I've got it. I win! TOUCHDOWN!

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The National Bums Club of America

Let's face it, who doesn't want to be a bum.
Bums have all of the power and who doesn't want power? Right? Right.
We all want power. Of course, the down side is that sometimes there is a call to throw all of the bums out, but generally speaking, that never happens. So despite their periodic bad reputation, everyone wants to be a bum.
One minute you could be a struggling attorney suing the pants off of a real or fabricated enemy, or, teaching other struggling-soon-to-be-attorneys, how all of the pants in the world should belong to them. Then by happenstance, you find yourself to be a bum. Now, the same people that lost their pants to you and don't particularly like running around with their fannies exposed for all the world to see, pay you to continue to take them to the cleaners. They have plenty of reasons to want to dispose of you, but the fact of the matter is, you are now a bum. Bums bring out the strangest behavior in their constituents. Bums tell their bottomless constituents how they will fight for them now, since they have no pants. This is always well received. But let's face it, if you are standing around, basically flashing the world, you would receive anything well, even if it's from the very bum that took your pants in the first place.
Yes sir. "We're the bums of America and we're on your side," they tell us. "Yay!" We love it. See, they care. They like us, they really, really like us.
So bums have the life. And they can change the rules as often as they need to, in order to keep the life. Who knows if you will belong to the same bum tomorrow or not.
And bums also get to become world class travelers. They care about the peoples of the world so very much, you know. These folks tend to have more colorful pants, and they are cheaper, so our bums want them. Well of course they do, their own constituents don't have pants any longer...they're na-e-ck-e-e-ad!
Bums are treated very special. They like to eat well. They like to be invited to nice meals. Now, let's face it, if you have no pants, you really can't take your bum to a nice restaurant. Most restaurants require shoes at the very least. And nice restaurants require a jacket and tie as well. So these restaurants wouldn't appreciate a clientele with their tushies exposed. So unless you can figure out how to get new pants that the bums won't take, and cover up those privates, you get bupkis.
Yes it's true, bums have great perks.
But like we've already established, there is the periodic call to throw the bums out. By that we generally mean, 'your' bums not 'our' bums. We may have no pants at all, thanks to our bums, but they're our bums and we're keeping them.
Does this fig leaf make me look fat?

Get the Throw the Bums Out t-shirt from The Smokin' Frog, and you'll be ready for the next campaign rally.

The Origin Of The Year Of The Rat

Why in the 'world' would rats get their own year? Why indeed.
While some rats are very scary, this festive year is really named for just two in particular.
This is the true origin of The Year Of The Rat. Would I Lie?
Actually, it is a commemoration, set up by The High Order Of The Tokyo Skeeby Jeebies Travel Lodge of the Ninja Rodent Community (it's located in a shopping mall looking out at Mount Fuji). It is in honor of Hiroshi and Sumi, world class travelers and treasure hunters. These are the original rats that hit the road to see the 'world', (see, I told you) in 80 days. They've racked up more miles than the Roadrunner outsmarting Wile E. Coyote. BEEP! BEEP! And they've generously put it all down for us in their travel guide book:

BEST RESTAURANTS AND RECREATION AREAS
While On The Road And In The Can.

The lodge is indebted to them for their efforts to uplift the self esteem of garbage eaters everywhere and share their knowledge with the younger generations.
As you may know, rats have had a reputation problem for some time. Japan is no different than America when it comes to rodents. They're all over the place, and not always welcome. Some have even referred to them as 'kinda creepy'. Well some of them are creepy (how about Ben that starred in Willard, yeah he was creepy). But Hiroshi and Sumi, had turned this personal negative into a plus (the Japanese are always doing that). While their road to fortune has had some serious road blocks, they managed to get some great photos (the Japanese, you know, can't be without their cameras, and we are so glad for that). And they've put them all in their travel guide.
And yes, the rumors are true, these two, Hiroshi and Sumi, are nasty rats. Nasty and cranky. Always name calling. Never mind giving them a festival YEAR, it's amazing that anyone liked them at all, what with all of their bickering. If you didn't know better you would think they were cats and dogs, always fighting. A bunch of garbage mouths, talking trash. "You Dirty Rat!" Shiesh! No one would ever think they were life long friends.
But, they've traveled around together for some time, taking over where the raccoons left off..."ooohhh...a fancy French garbage can, Foie Gras tonight." What a treasure, "We've hit the mother lode."
They've traveled a lot of roads; the long and winding road, tobacco road, the road less traveled, the road more traveled, they even took the road that wasn't taken. They've been on public roads, private roads and most of the time they are middle-of-the-road. They tried the road to stardom but it turned out to be the road to nowhere. They even followed the chicken across the road but still haven't found out why she did it. Once they went way off-road while following a musical fellow in tights. His flute was appealing but things started to go badly. "Seemed like a cult if you ask me," Hiroshi said. Sumi agreed, "It sure looked that way especially when all of our friends jumped into the river."
But, after years of traveling around to see the world's classiest garbage dumps, they started to develop a serious road rage, some have even referred to them as road hogs (HOGS!, no less, such name calling). So they made the decision to call it quits, and pass the torch to another fellow traveling ambassador for The High Order Of The Tokyo Skeeby Jeebies Travel Lodge. "I'm hungry let's get off the road, go home and stay put. I want my own can tonight," Sumi said, and Hiroshi agreed, seeing as they had much to write about.
But as cranky as these rats were, the road home was certainly the best.

Get the funny Dirty Rats T-Shirts and Gifts at the The Smokin' Frog. Who are you calling a dirty rat?

The Idiots Defense Fund

Are you an idiot? Have people told you this? While it truly is a very rude thing to say to someone, there comes a time when we simply have to admit the hard cold facts. You can do it...say this with me...I am an idiot.
While that probably won't make you feel any better about yourself, there is good news. The Idiots Defense Fund has been created for people just like you...idiots. That's right. The Idiots Defense Fund has been helping idiots just like you for over 35 years. What? You say you've never heard of it? But we have already established that you're an idiot, so there has probably been a lot of stuff that you have not heard of. Why, we could list in short order, a dozen idiotic actions of our government alone, just to show you that a lot has slipped past you. But because you're an idiot, we don't want to rub your nose in it. We're here to help you.

The stigma of idiocy has ruined many families. It has caused some families to hide members of their own families in the attic, never to be seen publicly again. (And we must admit, down deep inside, we wish other families followed this unusual practice. But it is illegal.) Idiocy has kept many economic advancements off limits to those afflicted with this horrid condition. And of course, by some strange turn of events, some people find themselves in a high level office, only to have it exposed at an untimely time, that they too are flaming idiots. Now imagine, that you find yourself by happenstance, the head of a country, or a Senator or Representative, only to learn at a later date, that you simply have no idea of what you are doing, or how you got there. (Oh, that's right, you got me. We've had so many of this type of example, that it has nothing to do with the imagination. It is our reality.) What's a country to do? Shoot them? You can't do that. They would just put you in jail with another idiot anyway.

Idiots tend to create their own reality. You know how it is. Before anyone actually figures out that someone's an idiot, he's gone and started a world war, you know, like Hitler. We've all seen the old film clips of him, he was a super-duper flaming numbskull (that's the highest level of idiocy). It's really amazing that anyone fell for his nonsense. See, idiots have more power that one would think off the cuff.
In recent years we've all seen what idiots can do when they are at the helm of corporations. It seems sometimes, that the boards of the corporations actually seek out an idiot to run the place. And they do, you know...run the place...right into the ground that is. But what do I know. Maybe I'm too harsh.

Anyway, how would you know if you were surrounded by idiots or not, or if the idiot is you? Well, that's where the Idiots Defense Fund comes in. The I.D.F. has been involved in many clinical studies to find out:
1-Is idiocy is a condition from conception or did something go wrong on the way out? Or is it a learned condition?
2-What are the warning signs, if any?
3-Is it curable?
4-Can people be idiots and still be productive citizens?
5-Is it a preference? A choice?
6-How do family members cope? Are there new skills to learn that would replace the tried and true, ever popular neck wringing?
So you can see that they really need you help today. Today, there seems to be an epidemic of this dreaded condition. Time is of the essence since there is an election coming. Please consider supporting the Idiots Defense Fund, you never know when you'll be their next client.

Get all The Idiots Defense Fund Gear at The Smokin' Frog. While not all idiots look as smart as our representative, these t-shirts, buttons and stickers will get plenty of laughs. And you can keep a record of your journey to recovery in the Idiots Defense Fund Journal.

Evolution T-Shirt

The Institute for Profunditilogical Thought, has just released its latest position paper. The council has thought about this situation deeply, with great intensity, since this is such a sensitive subject. Without wishing to offend anyone of delicate constitution, it has published its most insightful thought yet. Position Paper # 7, "Apes Were Once People", may come as a shock to some, but the council has suspected it for years. But it took the expertise of the most renown thinker of profundities, Prof. D. Volution, to put the pieces of this illusive puzzle together. He has spent years studying many people. Some of them were even members of his own family. Once they were vibrant, lovely human beings. And now...now they are not. Are they human? We don't know. What happened? We don't know that either. While we are not sure 'how' it happened (Prof. D. Volution will surely get to the bottom of it in time), we do know that they are clearly devolving. Prof. D. has gathered the top scientists around him to study this startling discovery. They have put years into trying to prove it wrong, but failed. The scientists all sadly agree, it's true. It's true.
Now, of course, they are very suspicious of a cover up. The evidence was so obvious, one must ask oneself, "Why didn't I see this before? Has the government had a hand covering this up?" They do excel in cover-ups after all. (Hmmm...now if they lied to us about such an important matter as evolution, what else is the government hiding?)
But the scientists had to admit fault in the end. They all saw the signs. They were all around them. But they turned a blind eye to them. People left and right, clearly devolving. Even some of the scientists on the project were lost to the condition. Where will it stop? Apes today, but what about tomorrow? It is a frightening thought, one that you don't want to think too deeply on.
This is why scientists have never been able to come up with the missing link. They were looking at the process backwards. But now Professor D. Volution has solved the puzzle. Hopefully he will find out why this is happening before it happens to him, or at the very least, before the next election.
This really does explain a lot about our government. What do we know about these 'people' anyway?
Why haven't we noticed this before?

Thankfully there is someone out there that wants to do the deep thinking. You can get the Evolution T-Shirt and Gifts at The Smokin' Frog

Pinhead's Revenge T-Shirt

It was a dark and stormy night. But it was about to get darker. The Pinheads are mad. There is nothing worse than Pinheads with weapons of mass destruction. This boy and his little band of terrorists have no other recourse. They have been screamed at, called names, and had heavy objects thrown at them. They are simply exhausted. Exhausted, but mad as hell! This dark alley is no place for wimps. And besides, it is THEIR DARK ALLEY!!! Well, they have more skills than running and hiding. And they got more training. They got weaponized to the teeth. And this boy knows how to use his little gun. "Bring it on Ball Boy!" Yes, tonight is about to get darker and stormier, because tonight the Pinheads take their revenge. And everyone knows, that revenge is sweet.
You can get the latest bowling t-shirt, Pinhead's Revenge at The Smokin' Frog. Be the first one on your block. Makes a great bowling team t-shirt.

The Drunken Leprechaun Club T-Shirt

It's that time of year again. The Leprechauns are out and drinking themselves silly. Take this Leprechaun, Pat. You wouldn't believe his story. Now, keep in mind, that Leprechauns are a strange lot to begin with. But Pat, is a special case. Not so very long ago he had nothing. This is unusual for a Leprechaun, they are generally very gifted. But not Pat. He didn't even have beer money. And he hung out with a problematic crowd. Banshies, Phookas, Bogies, and one particularly rowdy Hag named Jean, who came to visit a couple times a year (she was very sweet until she had a couple of shots, then the bar usually shut down). Now, there was one thing that Pat could do like nobody else...he could put it away. Beer, that is. No one, not nobody could out drink Pat.
But one day his life changed. He got in a drinking contest with a very powerful and large Goblin. Powerful but simply unaware of Pat's gift for drinking massive quantities of beer and not even having to pee. (Really and he was barely 3 feet tall.) This Goblin's name was Snotnose, for obvious reasons, and he was a bully and a braggart. He challenged Pat to a guzzling contest and made a promise to give Pat a map to a real pot of gold. He gave proof of its existence and so the contest began. Well, everyone knew that this Snotnose character was in over his head. Pat had quite a reputation. And he drank him into the ground...literally. That's right, Snotnose dropped dead. He just keeled over. At first, they thought he was trying to get out of the contest. But no, he really dropped dead. So after they toasted his life and buried him, Pat took the map, put together an exploration party, and went off after the pot of gold. After searching for about a week and a half they found it, and it was the real thing. It was overflowing with gold and there was some chocolate there too. "Hmm," Pat said, "someone had very good taste. It's from Switzerland."
Besides his outrageous gift for drinking, Pat had one more gift in abundance. He was generous to a fault. He split the gold and chocolate with the search party. Then Pat took his share and built a club for all of his drunken Leprechaun friends. They had not been welcome in many places. But, now they had a place where everybody knows their names, even if sometimes they were to drunk to know themselves. Of course, no one to this day has out-drank Pat yet. He has a gift. Wherever the beer goes, is a mystery. But Pat's place, The Drunken Leprechauns Club, is doing very well and their big day is almost here. Pat may be the drunkest Leprechaun that you will ever see, but not so drunk that he can't wish you a "Happy St. Paddy's Day! "Hic.

Men and women love The Drunken Leprechauns Club. T-shirts, buttons and magnetsare available at The Smokin' Frog

Tsunami Fish T-Shirt

Look at the yucky fish that surfaced after the tsunami. Eggh!!! The tsunami was bad enough for this fish. Did he look like this before? Euohhh!! Yuck! But it can always get worse. You know that it's true. If this guy eats that worm, he's what's for dinner. Of course once the fisherman sees him he might have second thoughts. Maybe it'll be beef for dinner after all.
Just like poor Charlie Brown, walking around with that dark cloud over his head. Heck for Charlie Brown even the cloud was defective. Yeah, that's about right. You know that it's true.

You can get the creepy Tsunami Fish at The Smokin' Frog where you'll find more crazy t-shirts for the unusual clothing connoisseur.

Funny Grumpy Tiger T-Shirt

"I'm NOT happy...don't make it WORSE."
Don't annoy the tiger. While he is not very happy, there will be no chance of making it worse with the Grumpy Tiger t-shirt. It gives everyone fair warning to everyone as to your foul mood on any given day. Maybe you had a particularly bad night. A little hung over. Well, this is the perfect attire for all of those annoying co-workers that seem to laugh at the most vacuous stuff. While it may be true, that you, in reality laugh at the same stuff while sober, today may be a different story. "Hey, who's that grumpy person in my mirror?" "Is this a trick mirror?" "Where am I?" Yep, we all know grumps. We have met the enemy and sometimes he is us.

Get the Grumpy Tiger T-Shirt at our newest store Crazy-Land T-Shirts.

The Saga of Qu Pidditsky

Once upon a time in a land far away, a child was born with a troublesome deformity, at least as far as his community was concerned. He had wings coming out of his shoulder blades. Now, anyone would agree, that they could provide great transportation, even better than mass transit, with virtually no carbon footprint at all. But future personal relationships would probably prove difficult. His father was somewhat embarrassed and so he had little to do with him. He gave him lots of toys, just so he would stay busy and leave him alone. One birthday he gave him an archery set. Unbeknownst to his father, it was a magical archery set. But, no one knew.
As he grew, Qu Pidditsky, proved to be an amazing shot. He entered tons of contests and won every one without fail. He brought great celebrity to his small European home town of Wholindagron. It even changed its name to Pidditskyville. He made headline after headline. People came from all over to see how far he could shoot without missing. And no one ever knew of his deformity. He just wore a lot of baggy clothes, and since he was never involved with a woman there were no leaked rumors about them. Some thought he was gay, but no, he just had a big secret to keep. After all, wings could be a big turnoff.
One day, while appearing in a nearby town for a competition, there was a bank robbery. Two masked men came rushing out of the bank with all of the bank's loot. And three cops were chasing after them. Although Qu was startled, he quickly gained composure and took one of his magic arrows and aimed it at the robbers. Unfortunately, for the very first time in Qu's life, he missed his target, and he shot one of the cops in the ass. The cop exploded with anger (well who could blame him), and turned and chased Qu. The other cops, feeling sympathy for their compadre, took off after Qu as well. Qu was simply terrified. He had never gotten this reaction from his work before, but then, he never actually shot anyone in the ass before either. He turned and flew like a bat out of hell. He ran out of the town, into the woods, over a river, down a ravine, passed grandma's house, and into a vacated bear cave, and hid there for a month. Qu had always been warmly received, but not anymore. The town rallied behind, the behind of the cop. He was a founder of the community after all. The news spread like gangrene and Qu could never show his face anywhere, ever again. But unfortunately for the cop, he had a pain in the butt for the next year and this made him way too cranky; he lost his job, his wife divorced him (she never liked him much anyway and saw this as a good opportunity to split), and his children used him as the butt of all their jokes. As you can imagine, the cop didn't think much of Qu's magical arrows, but his wife sure did.
On a better note, it was very different for the two crooks that got away. They split the loot, and went their separate ways. Raphael fell madly in love with a beautiful girl from France that really loved chocolate. They were married and opened a chocolate factory and store. They make the best chocolate in all of France. People come from all over the world for their chocolate. They even rival Switzerland. They have been happily married for 10 years and have three kids (in honor of the three cops that gave up chasing them). Their kids love their parents (imagine), and they love chocolate too. Raphael and his family have had a charmed life and they are now pillars of their community.
Silvio did just as well. Besides meeting the girl of his dreams, they opened a lingerie company and it is their company that actually supplies the other big name companies worldwide with clothing for extraordinary love making. (You would recognize the names of these companies but for legal reasons we can't print them here.)
While Silvio and Raphael know for a fact that Qu's bow and arrows are magical, Qu has basically become a recluse and an outcast. He had to have a nose job and grew a beard so no one would recognize him. He still wears baggy clothes since he is too broke to have his wings removed. And he had to change his name, in case someone might remember what he had done on that fateful day. In his new home town no one really knows much about Qu Pidd. He just showed up one day, and he looked a wreck. Where did he come from? Is he a criminal? Will he harm us? What is he keeping locked in the shed in the back yard? And why does the back of his coat move on its own from time to time? All in all, they just think he is a bit odd. He doesn't talk much and he seems to have no skills. They will never know about his magic arrows. They will never know that when he shoots his arrows magical things happen. They could ask Raphael and Silvio, but they've never heard of them, and exposure to public scrutiny would send them to jail anyway. But ever since that terrible day there have been the wildest stories going around France about a flying guy with a bow and arrow, that has the ability to make people fall in love. You know how rumors get started. It's like the telephone game. Imagine, a flying guy! Ha, oh boy, those French folks sure are funny. What will they think of next?
It's all very sad, but there is an important moral to the story to learn...you just can't go around shooting people in the ass...you never know how they will react.

In honor of Qu Pidd, you can get the 'good looking', one might even say 'hot', Valentine Cupid T-Shirt and Gifts at The Smokin' Frog. Of course if one says 'hot' while looking at this guy maybe you should recommend some kind of doctor...possibly, eye doctor...or maybe a psychiatrist. Drugs may be a necessity.

Giraffe High Life T-Shirt

Here's a great t-shirt for parents to wear with their kids. Kids know how high giraffes are. What their parents are thinking is another question. But we all know how kids like to be like their parents, at least until the age of...ohhh...two. And after that we get the hellish teenage years. But you will at least have the t-shirts to remember the calmer years by.
Besides Christmas, don't forget those baby showers that are coming up. You friends will love the cute Giraffe High Life clocks, bibs, bodysuits, prints, buttons, tiles and totes. Get all of the Giraffe High Life Gifts at The Smokin' Frog where you'll find lots of funny gifts for parents and kids.

No Illegal Space Aliens T-Shirts

No Illegal Space Aliens are allowed. Period. While some Space Aliens will find this discriminating, we simply have to be careful. You just don't know if you can trust green space aliens. So you must be careful around them. They're just different. We have way too many different people already. You have to draw the line somewhere. We all know the trouble that different people can cause...we've all seen Men in Black. It laid it out pretty clearly. So we must strictly enforce this ordinance. Violators will be vaporized. Spread the word and stay safe this holiday season.

The Smokin' Frog has the Space Alien Gifts that you need for Christmas and the Holidays. Regardless of whether or not, your friends think you might be one of them, No Illegal Space Aliens T-Shirts and Gifts may throw them off of your trail, and that might buy you some time.

Space Cop T-Shirt

They're keeping the universe safe from illegal aliens. Now don't you feel better. I know I do. I sure won't want this guy breathing down my neck. Space Cops have been on duty long before we realized there was a significant space alien problem. Long before anyone thought of Area 51. Long before Roswell was on the map. We've been arguing for years over whether or not UFOs really exist. Well Space Cops know they exist. They have been fighting their butts off trying to keep those little green suckers on their own planets. Even though you really can't blame the aliens, they just like our stuff better and we do have the best chocolate than anywhere else in the universe. We have Switzerland after all.
So this season let's show our support for these fine champions of the universe and wear the Space Cop T-Shirt. Get Space Cop gear at The Smokin' Frog.
Shop early and have a Happy Holiday.
The Smokin' Frog has funny t-shirts for the whole family.

Angry Aliens United T-Shirt

The Aliens are Angry, very angry. Peace will be mandatory.
"Enough with the character assassinations!"
Every time someone is missing the space aliens get blamed. Every time someone misbehaves, a claim is made that they have been replaced by body snatchers and the mother ship will return the original model any day now. Every time there is mischief in government, some how it is the fault of some aliens that may or may not be walking among us.
They have tried to befriend us with all of their pretty lights in the sky. Why, they thought that's what we liked. Of course that's what they thought, since we have transmitted that '70 era culture into outer space, with all of that annoying disco music and the horrific polyester suits and the humongous big hair. They've all studied Hullabaloo and Shindig, they though they knew what we liked. But no, we moved on to the next fad so quickly, how were they to know? And they have hear the rumors that some would want to shoot down their pretty lights. You know how it is...some just want to fight, being raised on video games. But maybe they're frightened by a race of little green men. After all, where are the women? Are they prejudice against other colors? And did they exterminate all of the tall men? Will they eat us? These are the questions that keep some of us up at night.
But no matter. The Space aliens are angry and will not restrain themselves any longer. A union, the AAU, has been formed, and vaporization of all annoying people will begin immediately. Their character has been defamed for the last time.
Enough! PEACE THROUGH DOMINANCE will be their only workable solution.
DIE EARTHLING!

Get the Angry Aliens United T-Shirt and Gifts from The Smokin' Frog. We have meaningful gifts that give a fair warning to your loved ones...HIDE!

Apes Evolution T-shirt

"I believe that apes were once people." By golly, D. Volution may have it right. Wasn't he that famous philosopher? I could have sworn that I studied about him in high school (but then the word 'high' may have been too prominent).
Were apes once people? Hmmm...I know some people that are clearly devolving.
And I also know a bunch of people that I'm wondering about more and more each day. While we could argue my sanity until the end of time, I am sure that they'll look great in an Apes Evolution t-shirt. It will make a very special holiday gift for that 'very special' person.

Apes Evolution t-shirt will be a hit for holiday gift giving. Shop early.

The Runaway Christmas Elf

He had enough.
Enough toys.
Enough cookies and milk.
Enough short people jokes.
Enough big ear jokes.
Enough of the fat old man and his ho, ho this, and his ho, ho that.
Kris wanted more. He wanted a warm sunny climate. He was tired of freezing his butt off all year long. He wanted a good meal. He was just simply tired of his persistent sugar high. If he was going to be high, would have to be over something better than sugar. But most of all, he was tired of Santa. Kris has a really good personality and can get along with just about anyone...usually. But Santa has started to get under his skin big time. He can be so annoying with his "wee little folk" and his "cookies and milk for everyone." Goodness, can you imagine how it is working with a whole group of people that have milk breath all the time? And when you want to talk to him about anything, he always lifts you up to sit on his lap. It's humiliating! Kris is 29 already, and most of the others are much older than that.
Well, it was inevitable. He finally broke. He made his escape plans with his closest friend, Blitzen. (Blitzen is another one that has been feeling abused and taken for granted. Let's face it, who really cares what Blitzen thinks. It's always Rudolf, Rudolf, Rudolf! Yeah, well take away that sleep robbing neon light of a nose and what have you got? Nothing! You got a reindeer with no nose. He'd be nothing.)
So the time arrived, they packed a couple of lunch boxes (cookies and milk it will have to be for now). Then they stole some of Santa's cash, made reservations at the Laguna Beach Hotel and snuck out. After they made their way to Sunny California, and had a good meal, for the first time in their lives, they high-tailed it to the beach.
"Oh Hoochie Mama! Look at all of the babes!" they both exclaimed in unison. Well these two were smart enough to know that their stunning good looks would only get them so far. So they took their stolen cash and headed out to get some hip clothes that would set off their boyish charms. Once these two get all decked out, look out California! Kris and Blitzen can now fulfill their long held dreams with all of the California babes. You can almost hear Rod Stewart singing, "if you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on honey let me know." Yeah, go Rod.
But of course there is always a down side even to the best of circumstances. (Didn't someone say that once? Oh, yeah, that was me.) They will have to watch their back, especially at Christmas time when Santa flies over. He has a great satellite system these days, and a little known fact about Santa is that he is very possessive about his stuff. You wouldn't think this was the case, what with all of the toys he gives out. But when it comes to 'his money' and 'his cookies and milk', and 'his elves', well he's like a man possessed. They're his, and he wants them back.
So as good as Kris and Blitzen look, they will always be looking over their shoulder since he really does know when they are sleeping and when they are awake. And he knows that they have been very, very bad.

Christmas Elf t-shirts and buttons as well as other great Christmas gifts are at The Smokin' Frog

Sexy Frog

I've had it with the swamp. I've got to get into a better neighborhood. Something a little dryer. Everything here is just too wet. What are my prospects? Hmmm... I don't know. I don't seem to have any particular gift. What to do? What to do?
So I decided to break the mold, at least for a frog. Body building! That's what I'll do! Build up those abs. chicks will love me. Go to the competitions. Hear the crowds screaming! Waxy smooth body! Just look at it. You love it don't you? It's buff! Gorgeous and green! The girls go wild over green, at least in the swamp. Yeah, the babes will love me!
Well I can dream can't I? I've got something to work towards. And it's been paying off. Look at me now, and I'm not finished yet either. But just look at this body. Seexxxyyy!!! All ready I'm like a babe magnet. I actually have to turn some down. Hey, I'm only one guy...uh frog. I do my best to supply their needs but really I can only be in one pond at a time. It would be good if I could be cloned, but I'm not really into all that high tech stuff. I'm just a simple frog, that's lookin' real good these days.
Well, gotta go. My latest lady babe will be here any moment so I gotta wax up.
Oh, c'mon, you know you want my body!

Get the Sexy Frog T-Shirt and Buttons at The Smokin' Frog.

Space Alien Cuisine

UGH! Humans again! Boorring!
I gotta make some changes. I'm in a rut. I go to the same planets, eat the same species and get the same gas everyday. Something has got to give. I'm beginning to think it will be my stomach first. The humans that I ate yesterday were coated in some real crappy flavoring. How was I to know how I would react. They were so good looking, real crisp, well done, and the glaze was great. Real eye appeal. You know some planets put that stuff on everyone. But I had a bad reaction. I feel like I put a hole in my stomach. The burn is too much. And I keep having that feeling that you get when pills don't go done right. It just won't quit. Gosh, I could really use an antacid or something. It hurts and yet I'm hungry at the same time. But they are just so addicting. I swear this is the last one. After this I gotta make some changes.

Get the Alien Cuisine T-Shirt at The Smokin' Frog.
And you gotta admit, some people deserve to be eaten.

Fish Hook T-Shirt

Shiesh!!! Where did this friekin' hook come from? I come out for a nice afternoon swim and I get this #@$ $#@*&# thing in my lip. And a gorgeous lip at that (or at least it was). It seems that someone has been swimming in my pond. Those darn clowns with their big boats. Well this is one fish that got away and, unfortunately for them, I am slightly ticked off. When I find them they will think Jaws was a comedy. (Gee whiz, this thing really hurt! Man am I mad.) Oh, I think I can just follow their beer cans. "Thanks for the trail guys. I'm comin'!!!"
Good thing I'm in salt water, it's good for fish hook wounds.

Oh come on now, you can surely empathize with this guy can't you? Who can actually take getting a hook in their lip and still be nice? No one. But you can buy the very funny Fish Hook T-Shirt for yourself or your favorite fisherman at The Smokin' Frog

No Strangling T-Shirt

AAAHHH!!!
Yes, we all know that you would like to wring the neck of at least a half a dozen people, but this really isn't good policy. For one thing, they probably have at least one person in their life that actually likes them, and strangling them would get that person upset and they would come after you. For another reason it could cause or worsen carpal tunnel syndrome. Now if carpel tunnel syndrome gets worse how in the world would you be able to wring the neck of the next nimrod that you meet?
So you see, there can be serious repercussions. While it is difficult to reason with some people, we simply must put forth the effort. At the very least, if our efforts prove successful, we could improve conditions on the road. While we have no hope for improving such monstrosities as our governing bodies, we have no visions of grandeur there, it is quite possible that we could get people to understand, that a road sign such as 'STOP', in reality, means lack of movement. This could prove to be quite a challenge, but we are Americans; we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps a dozen times before breakfast (and this has nothing to do with what was consumed the previous night).

You can buy the NO STRANGLING t-shirt and buttons at The Smokin' Frog
Makes a great Father's Day gift.

You're Never Too Old

You're never TOO OLD to really screw things up! Here's a thought that most fathers will relate to. They know it all too well. If they are not actually screwing things up, they are being accused of it by their charming offspring. But there is a curious difference between men and women, generally speaking. Say something like this, or mocking in fun, and women may cry or go into major defense mode, generally speaking. Say something like this to a man and he laughs hysterically. What is that? While it is true that some men are a tad more sensitive, it seems that most men love to be mocked or caricatured. Is it a badge of honor? Who knows. But The Smokin' Frog's money says that your dad will love this t-shirt as much as we all love the differences between the sexes.
Happy Father's Day.

Buy your Never Too Old t-shirt, buttons and magnets at
The Smokin' Frog
Makes a great Father's Day gift.

Mice Will Rule The World One Day

"Mice Will Rule The World One Day", Experts Proclaim.
Should We Prepare For A Bloodbath?
How do we know that they will take over the world? Because they have very good taste. They know what's good for them. CHEESE! They love it! Will die for it! It's what's for dinner tonight, tomorrow night, and until that illusive better mouse trap kills them. Cheese is the real breakfast for champions.
Gouda's good. Swiss is great. Gruyére is to die for. Fine wine and a little fondue on the side...what could be better? Oh yeah, that would be fondue with a little fine wine on the side. But the experts want everyone to remain calm for now, since there is really nothing to fear from this speculative takeover...if you just have some cheese available for them, they will leave you alone.

Buy the Mouse and Cheese t-shirt and buttons at The Smokin' Frog

Bowl-Off

This is what a bowl-off looks like. Beating the snot out of a poor little pinhead. One solid pocket hit after another. "AAAHHHHH!!!!" screams the poor thing. But this monster will not stop until he pounds the lights out of him. Well, the pinhead was trespassing, and nobody likes other people messing around with their stuff. Just because this is America doesn't mean that you can go any where you please. Cross into someone's alley and you just might get your toocus kicked in.
The Smokin' Frog has the best and the funniest bowling t-shirts around. And buttons, magnets and stickers to match. Get funny bowling aprons and kids bowling tees. Fun to wear or to give as gifts.

Bad Dog!

"I Did Not Make That Puddle!"
Well now, you know he that he absolutely did make that puddle. The little fibber is as guilty as sin. But when you gotta go, you gotta go. And we love him anyway. And so would Sheryl Crow. Why, he doesn't use any squares, not ever, not even the approved ration of one. A real conservationist. But, on the other hand he poops anywhere he needs to. Hmmm. That probably won't do. But like we said before, we love him anyway.
Bad Dog T-Shirts, Buttons and Magnets at The Smokin' Frog

They Eat Bunnies?

A Sad Personal Story:
An Easter Bunny's Private Pain
There is nothing worse than a sad bunny. Look at him cry. He's so sad. What could have happened to make him cry like this? This is real bad...you better be sitting down. THEY ATE HIS FRIEND! That's right. His best friend is dead. He has become some bunny-eaters dinner. How could that be, you ask? How could anyone eat something as cute as a bunny? It is mind boggling. But it has been happening with more and more frequency these days. It is inexplicable. And bunnies have so much to give, (especially once they have been accepted into the ranks of the esteemed Easter Bunnies, then they really have plenty to give; love that chocolate). Well, there has been a grass roots effort swelling for years over this issue. The Society for the Prevention of Eating Cuties has been thoroughly apprised of the current climate. They have their support bunnies in place to console those left behind when the worst happens. The spokesman thinks that education is the key and has been working in conjunction with the National Council of Easter Bunnies in building a program that is due to be released shortly. It will include a series of exercises and tests to discover if you, the bunny-eater have a heart that is working properly. You will be exposed to numerous pictures and films of cute animals. A heart that is working properly will hit a rate of 7.5, minimum, on the cute-o-meter. If the subject has a rating of at least 7.5, the Society will continue to work with him or her, to further the love of all things cute. The Society understands that this may not happen over night. But if it is below 7.5, the Grand Cutie of TSPEC, has determined that it is hopeless and the subject should be removed from society. Re-education can go just so far. With this possibility in mind the Society has acquired the rights to an uninhabited island, south of Guam, to ship these sorry heartless souls there. There is nothing cute on this island, so they will be happy and can live out the rest of their lives cuteness-free. The Society will be happy too, since they will have to console many less cry bunnies. And the world will continue to turn, with a growing appreciation of all things cute.
THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF EATING CUTIES wishes everyone a Happy Easter, and encourages all people to eat eggs not bunnies...if you know what is good for you.

They Eat Bunnies? is avaiable at The Smokin' Frog

Eat Eggs Not Bunnies!

The National Council of Easter Bunnies has just finished their annual conference and the reports weren't good. Tears were shed when the statistics were read. They had lost too many members this past year and it would be difficult if not impossible to deliver the required number of eggs needed for all of the scheduled Easter Egg Hunts. (This has never happened before, there was nothing in the constitution about it.) And it gets worse. How did they lose these esteemed members? This is just awful...the very people that the Easter Bunnies have been faithfully serving all these years, delivering their cherished eggs...ate them! Not the eggs...the Bunnies! That's right! They ate them! Some they stewed, some they put in a casserole, some they put in a pie (A PIE?), some they baked, some they grilled, and the worst offense of all...some they skewered (OH, HAVE MERCY!). Is this gratitude? I think not.
After they finished reading the statistics, and a sufficient number of hankies were passed out, and they all had an extra glass of Jim Beam, they got busy on a course of action. They came up with a three phased plan. It was voted on and all agreed it was the best that they could come up with. Here it is:
THE EASTER BUNNY PLAN FOR SURVIVAL
Step One: Education is the key. They would work harder on educating the bunny-eaters about a healthy lifestyle and how eggs (NOT BUNNIES) are a huge part of living well. Since we all know the benefits of eggs, (they had gotten a very bad rap for years, but we now know that eggs have never killed anyone), they would convince them to eat eggs not bunnies. The recipes with eggs are endless and they are so much more versatile than bunnies. When have you ever seen a bunny fluff up a cake? Hmm? Never. See!
Step Two: They would send an affable representative to state their case and provide re-education. That's where our little friend pictured here comes in. He would be friendly, good-looking, and come baring gifts (eggs of course). Some with yolks, some with chocolate, and some with marshmallow inside. The Council is sure that the bunny-eaters will respond to reason, recipes, and expensive chocolate. But if not, it will be unfortunate, but the Council has come up with the dreaded third step as a last recourse. They did not want it to come to this. They have loved their profession since the formation of this practice but in recent years they have been mightily provoked and are out of ideas.
Step Three: THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER EASTER BUNNIES would commence. This is an unwanted solution, but if the execution of Easter Bunnies persists, it will be a 'them against us' plan for survival. The bunnies will come with their Winchesters and blow the bunny-eaters to smithereens (is smithereens a place? Hmm...we'll find out).
So the public service announcement put out by the National Council of Easter Bunnies wants you to "cut the crap and eat eggs not bunnies."
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
The National Council of Easter Bunnies wants to wish you all a very Happy Easter.

Eat Eggs Not Bunnies is avaiable at The Smokin' Frog

A Tribute to the Color GREEN!

Herewith a tribute to the color GREEN!
Hail, Hail.
The highly beloved color of frogs, Ireland, and money. What a resume.
Smyth here, wants you to be apprised of all of the valuable attributes and benefits of this prized hue. St. Patrick's Day is a great time to remember how the color of green has influenced our lives. (Look at him wave his little flag. "Yeah, Erin Go Braugh to you to, baby." He'll be drinking himself silly in about a minute.)
First of all, lets face it, people look good in green. Smyth gets lots of compliments so he knows this well. He hears, "Hey you look good in green, it really sets off your eyes" all the time. It has been said that green improves your reading ability. Well, sure. Look at his eyes, they are huge, they don't miss a thing. All because he is green. And his family reproduces well. Everyone knows of the fertility powers of green. It's magical. That's why magic beans are green. We all know how fast and tall they grow. We've seen the pictures.
An ancestor of Smyth was an enchanted frog. Their powers are in their skin, all enchanted frogs are green. This is common knowledge. He claimed to have known Merlin, but nobody believed him.
Lot's of dragons are green. They can be pretty scary, especially if they have gas. They really do breath fire. A little indigestion and you could become a pile of ash if you are standing in the way. Smyth also was related to a real 'green eyed monster'. Now they can be very nasty. They want everything they see, or they will give you the evil eye. Goblins, trolls, and gremlins tend to be green (I know; I drove one once. It was green).
Goo tends to be green, snot too, and puke. Kids love these words. They are magical. You could say puke 20 times in a row and kids will still laugh. It has great power, its green.
Lots of people these days would kill to get a green card. They want to stay here. They are aliens. There are other kinds of aliens that are known as 'little green men', you know, "they have saucer shaped eyes that put people uptight"...remember the song? The Great Gazoo and Yoda are both 'little green men', with great power. Smyth is sure, it's in their skin, it's green.
A lot of people think they have a great power to make things grow. It is called a green thumb. Most of the time it really is just Miracle Grow, (but it comes in a green box, and the manufacturers don't mind if you take credit). Sometimes they grow these plants in a greenhouse. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side, but not generally. Christmas trees are green as well as some of Santa's elves. Look at their magical ability to know what we want for Christmas. It's in the green baby.
And we all love the green, green grass of home. We all know that green tea is good for you. We love green lights. We don't love red lights, and yellow lights are as good as green lights.
Greenland is a nice place to visit, so is Greensboro and Green Bay.
Some people think there is a 'greenhouse effect'. But the arguments over things like this create much more hot air the the 'greenhouse effect' itself.
Look how powerful green is: a brown cow (or black and white for that matter) eats green grass and produces white milk. Amazing!
There are green tomatoes. They should not be confused with the vicious hooligans in 'The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes'. The red guys were responsible for that massacre.
Even when people lose their usefulness they can still be turned in to soylent green. They can actually become a gift that keeps on giving.
Many famous people are intimately related to green, like the Hulk, he has his own comic book, that's big.
Now, it is true that most of this information is of value to no one, unless you are a Jeopardy contestant. (What is the color of all things good for $1000, Alex?) But to a sufficiently soused frog, what can you say, but... let's all lift our glasses and toast the color GREEN! Drink Up!
Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Always Green Frog is available at The Smokin' Frog

A Boogie Piggie Valentine's Day

Oh, baby, I can dance, I can boogie, dance with me baby, baby, baby, I Luv You, ooohhh yeah I dooo. Nobody but me, you know it. Nobody loves you like I love you. Oh baby, baby, baby, be mine!!!!
Oh man, this guy's got it bad. He can boogie like nobody else, and why not, He's In Luuuvv!
But it wasn't always this way. It wasn't so very long ago that Barabus couldn't show his face at a party. He had no moves, two left feet, he couldn't sing, and if he had anything strong than cola he would throw up. It was bad. As you can imagine, he wasn't invited to very many parties. He got so sick at one party, we still can't figure out what that stuff was that came out of him. But the rug was ruined. It was cleaned three times and still this horrible discoloration was there, and the smell, well maybe we'll leave that for another time. Suffice it to say, Barabus was pathetic. But...but then, she came into his life. Beautiful, ravishing, breathtaking. Oh baby, there she was...Tallulah! Oh Tallulah, she walked like grace itself. And her kisses were sweeter than honeycomb. Our boy here, quickly became wasted. What could he do, she had a hold on him from the start. Well, of course she did...she was a hotty. Oouuhhweee, Boogie Mama. "Oh, Tallulah, if you were mine, we would dance till morning. We would boogie till our little tootsies hurt. Fred and Ginger, Michel Jackson, nobody would have anything on us. Tallulah, I love you!"
Yes, Barabus was smitten. Now what? Would she reciprocate? But, of course she did. Look at that face. Just look at him go, he has simply gone to goo. Oh, he's in Luuuvv! And he wants the world to know it. Tallulah is his Valentine and she loves him too.

Happy St. Valentine's Day from the
Boogie Piggie and his sweety Tallulah!

Boogie Piggie t-shirt is available at The Smokin' Frog
We have lot's of funny t-shirts for the whole family.

The Drunken Leprechaun Club

It's that time of year again. The Leprechauns are out and drinking themselves silly. Take this guy here. You wouldn't believe his story. Now, keep in mind, that Leprechauns are a strange lot to begin with. But Pat, is a special case. Not so very long ago he had nothing. This is unusual for a Leprechaun, they are generally very gifted. But not Pat. He didn't even have beer money. And he hung out with a problematic crowd. Banshies, Phookas, Bogies, and one particularly rowdy Hag named Jean, who came to visit a couple times a year (she was very sweet until she had a couple of shots, then the bar usually shut down). Now, there was one thing that Pat could do like nobody else...he could put it away. Beer, that is. No one, not nobody could out drink Pat.
But one day his life changed. He got in a drinking contest with a very powerful and large Goblin. Powerful but simply unaware of Pat's gift for drinking massive quantities of beer and not even having to pee. (Really and he wasn't much bigger than what you see here.) This Goblin's name was Snotnose, for obvious reasons, and he was a bully and a braggart. He challenged Pat to a guzzling contest and made a promise to give Pat a map to a real pot of gold. He gave proof of its existence and so the contest began. Well, everyone knew that this Snotnose character was in over his head. Pat had quite a reputation. He drank him into the ground...literally. That's right, Snotnose dropped dead. He just keeled over. At first, they thought he was trying to get out of the contest. But no, he really dropped dead. So after they toasted his life and buried him, Pat took the map, put together an exploration party, and went off after the pot of gold. After searching for about a week and a half they found it, and it was the real thing. It was overflowing with gold and there was some chocolate there too. "Hmm," Pat said, "someone had very good take. It's from Switzerland."
Besides his outrageous gift for drinking, Pat had one more gift in abundance. He was generous to a fault. He split the gold and chocolate with the search party. Then Pat took his share and built a club for all of his drunken Leprechaun friends. They had not been welcome in many places. But, now they had a place where everybody knows their names, even if sometimes they were to drunk to know themselves. Of course, no one to this day has out drank Pat yet. He has a gift. Wherever the beer goes, is a mystery. But Pat's place, The Drunken Leprechaun Club, is doing very well and their big day is almost here. Pat may be the drunkest Leprechaun that you will ever see, but not so drunk that he can't wish you a "Happy St. Paddy's Day! "Hic.

The Drunken Leprechaun Club t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog
We have lots of new stuff, look around. Easter will be here before you know it and our Easter Bunnies are waiting for you too.

A Pinhead's Worst Enemy

"Please don't. Put me down. I don't want to die. I want to live!" The Pinhead cried...no...he bellowed. But to no avail. The Beast was hungry. Food always tastes better at night. And we all know that calories don't count after midnight. This boomer had developed quite a taste for Pinheads. Let's face it, they are good. A true delicacy. So who can really blame him. He is doing what comes naturally. Unfortunately he is such a brute. It's as if he can't hear the plaintive cries of his captive prey, doomed to death. "I don't want to die either," cried his friend. But it is all in vain. This boomer came to kill; their demise is inevitable. These two sides never did get along. They were always at war and now these two Pinheads crossed over into the Beast's zone. How did this happen? Wasn't the pin boy paying attention? Maybe he was payed off. But by who? The Beast? Hmmm...But no matter. Their end has come. At least it will be swift, this guy eats like an animal, which is why he is called the Beast (these folks aren't all that deep). But they can go out with their heads held high (although they may be shrieking like banshies). They lived a glorious life, true to who they are. And who are they? They are Pinheads and proud of it. True burners all the way. They never stepped over the line, and tried to stay out of the gutter, no small feat these days. But unfortunately they have come to the end of the alley. They have come face to face with the Ball known as the Beast and he is hungry...he is very hungry. Yes, their goose is cooked. While he had always been suspected of being a sandbagger, for the little Pinheads, tonight the lights went out.

There will be a dignified but uplifting memorial service held by the BROTHERHOOD OF PINHEADS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN XXX'ED OUT YET, in the graveyard tonight. All are invited to attend. Toasted Marshmellows and hot cocoa will be served, please bring a friend.

The Bowling Beast t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog
Holiday Shopping is almost over. Get your favorite bowlers a crazy t-shirt to match their unbelievable score.

The Rat Race

Gotta keep going. Gotta keep running. Can't stop. The race is to the swift. That's what they say. Who are they anyway? Sheesh, my legs are tired. I feel like I could drop. But I can't give in to it. Gosh, it's way past the burn. I feel like collapsing. No! No! Don't go there. Think of that unbelievable prize. The prize. That huge chunk of luscious cheese. I can smell it. Just keep going, the finish line is not far off. It's just around the corner. It's...oh c'mon, who am I kidding? It's miles away!!! Will I make it? Think of the cheese. Gosh, I really can smell it. The whole town can smell it. My taste buds are doing somersaults. They're dancing all over my mouth. I wonder what kind it is? Gruyère? The food of the gods. I would steal for it (and I have). I would lie for it (and I have). I would kill for it...well, maybe that's a little over the top. But I could punch someone out for it, for sure. But my legs are giving out. Ooohh, smell it...maybe Gruyere. A real strong Gruyère, oh I hope so. Gjetost is good too. But Gruyère, well, maybe I could kill...no, no, don't go there. Oh, great, my leg is cramping up now. Ouch! Man, I just stepped on a rock. That really hurt. I'm so tired I think...wait, what is that up ahead? Oh wow, it's the finish line. It's not broken yet. IT'S NOT BROKEN YET! Where are the other runners? Look at the crowd. They're all cheering. Where is everyone else? Oh my, they're way back there! No one is even close to me. I can't believe it. How did that happen? The race is mine. I win!!! I win the cheese! Listen to the crowds cheering for me! Applauding me! A clear decisive win. And the cheese is all mine. Tonight we dine in style. The world is mine. Now all we need is a good bottle of wine and a fine cigar.


The Rat Race t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog
It's Holiday Time! The Smokin' Frog has plenty of gifts and stocking stuffers. T-shirts, sweats, ornaments, totes, prints, mugs; plenty of gifts for adults and kids. Visit our Holiday Gift Shop for some great gift ideas. Our deliriously Happy Biker Cat looks great on our ornaments, buttons and magnets; a handsome fellow.

This Cow Is No Lady

Wow! Pretty as a picture and one hot babe! Hoowweee! Sexy Mama! "Hey look over here. Like what you see?" "Hey, hey! Are you lookin' at us?" Why won't she look at us? She can't walk around like that and not respond to us. "Hey, hey. We're talkin' to you sugar! Didn't you heard us whistle?" Do you believe her, walking around half naked and she ignores us. What's with her? What is this, does she think she's really all that? She thinks she's something special? What a cow! Is her milk better than the others? Is it chocolate or something? Does she serve donuts? Does she think that designer slip makes it more exotic? "Hey, sugar! Your milk is still wet and white just like the rest of the herd. And you still have to be pumped. Get over yourself." What, is she deaf? This is a lot of bull. What a gimmick. Does she think we are that easily tricked? She puts on a slip and we're going to say "oohh, this tastes so much better. Ooohh, I want more." I don't think so. This is bull, I tell you. "Hey honey, this is bull!" Oh forget it, she's ignoring us. Come on, let's go. She's killin' us. There are plenty of other cows out standing in the field. She's trying to drive us nuts.
Oh well, I guess we can't stop her...but she does look lovely in that slip.

Cowslip t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog
It's Holiday Time! The Smokin' Frog has plenty of gifts and stocking stuffers. T-shirts, sweats, ornaments, totes, prints, mugs; plenty of gifts for adults and kids. Visit our Holiday Gift Shop for some great gift ideas. Like the Mad Cow Boy. It looks great on our ornaments, buttons and magnets, and makes a perfect stocking stuffer.

A Biker Cat That Knows He's All That!

Don't I look happy? Well, I am. And I should look happy. I have two very good reasons for being happy. For one thing, I'm a cat. That really says a lot. I generally do not get stressed out, although, I have given stress to others at times, but that's information for another time. I can go and come as I please and I need NOBODY! But it is amazing how much others appear to need me. They seem to crave my attention. I have to admit, this is heady stuff. I love it! "Yes, I know that you love me, now where is my tuna." And going and coming as I please brings me to the second reason for my happiness...I'm a Biker! Now, this is the life. Wind in my whiskers, babes love me, the need for speed met. And if I screw up my life, I have eight more to go. Who could ask for anything more? Well, of course, you could, since you are not me. I sympathize with you, to a degree; a small degree. It is a pity that others are not me, but there could only be one.
Well, got to go now. The call of the wild just yelled my name so it's time to get my motor running and head out on the highway. But I don't have to look for adventure, I am adventure (and I'm cute too).

Biker Cat t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog
It's Holiday Time! The Smokin' Frog has plenty of gifts and stocking stuffers. T-shirts, sweats, ornaments, totes, prints, mugs; plenty of gifts for adults and kids. Visit our Holiday Gift Shop for some great gift ideas. Our deliriously Happy Biker Cat looks great on our ornaments, buttons and magnets, don't you think?

Club Iguana Rocks

I was having trouble with my self image. The way the other sex ignored me (except for when they were laughing at me) didn't help. No confidence. The ladies would cross the street when I approached. "Wait, come back, I just want to know your sign." It was depressing. I couldn't sleep. So they gave me drugs. Drugs to make me like me, drugs to make me sleep, drugs to make me wake up, drugs to make me think clearly. This was not good, since thinking clearly made me not like me. Now I was worse off then before. Now what should I do? I watch Dr. Phil and I'm a serious devotee of Oprah (Hey Girlfriend!). All to no avail. I've even had the demon of dullness exorcised out of me. Well, there must be a few more in there and that clown on TV wants more money for his 'Super-Duper-Exorcise-That-Demon-Out-Of-You-Miracle-Holy-Water'. Am I a lost cause or what?
But then I heard the news about Club Iguana. Club Iguana will fix me right. They'll feed me right. They'll treat me right. "And that's because, baby, you are just alright!" That's right. Club Iguana knows what you need and they serve it up every day. "You may be pathetic when you arrive, but we'll turn you into a babe magnet by the time you leave." Really? Well then, where do I sign?
Ahh, now this is hot fun in the summertime. Relaxation, massage, sun, surf and sexy babes! "Well Awwllright!" This is rejuvenation. I feel better already. Yes sir, this babe magnet is getting ready to mingle. Handsome and happy, that's what I am now. Ahh. Life is good.
"Thanks Club Iguana."
Testimonial from another satisfied customer.

Club Iguana t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog

The Cow with Good Taste

Oh man, I've really done it this time. My adventurous appetite has given me great delight in the past, for the most part. My friends are always getting something new to try. But I'm really screwed this time. This is bad. Now what do I do? Is there anybody around here that can help me? "Healpth!" "Healpth!" Gosh, that hurts. Maybe a little warm water would do. "Enythbodyth hath wanrmethith wather?" Nobody around. Great. Well all I know, is that from now on, no matter how good a pole looks (and they do look good, something about metal, ummm), gourmet or not, I'll be darned if I taste it. I don't care if it's on the front lawn of the White House. At least not in the winter. "Healpth!" "Thomthbodyth." I think I will be a little more discriminating in the future; if I ever get out of this mess. "Haelpth!" "Haelpth!" Now I'm really getting hungry, and I have to pee too. This really is not good. "Healpth!" "Thomthbodyth." "Pleathse." Next time someone says, "Hey this is great, taste it", I'll just say, "You go first." "Haelpth!"

Cowlick t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog

The Life of a Pinhead

"Run, run, quick, he's gaining! What is his problem? He's got the whole freakin' alley and it's not enough. He's a bully! A BULLY!" "Yeah, but he's gaining so move your toocus." "We've got to come up with a plan. We can't just let this clown mow us down. Think! Think!" "This is what you get when you baby these brats. I'd like to bake this character."
Now what were these Pinheads supposed to do? They were tired, they had been running their entire lives. From one dark alley to another. Where would they go now? Would anybody take them in? "We should have listened to the barmaid during the last round of drinks. She told us he was a boomer, and a real cheater ball. He only plays the cheesy lanes." "Shut up and move it, or we'll be in deep doo-doo." "Wait! What was that? The lights just went out! Good Grief! Now what?"
Ahh, the life of a Pinhead. Pressure, stress, unmitigated fear. Everyone desires to destroy them. What is it that they have done to merit this discrimination? Why are they so viciously attacked? What is it about them that brings out such aggressiveness in their associates? Why do the balls (as well as the expletives) start flying when they are around?
We may never know, but we will check in on them in the next episode of their pathetic lives. Until then, "Run you scared little Pinheads, run for your lives!" Stay tuned.

Cheater Ball t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog

The Golden GOOAAALLL!!!

I am the champ! Look at me. Flying high. No, no, nobody is like me! They wish they were, but they are not. It has not been easy. I've been kicked by the best; bumped, tossed, popeyed, trapped, scissored, volleyed, biked, nuttied. I'm tough, I can take anything they can give. I was once one of many mass produced futbols. But I was considered an ambitious ball from the start. I've eaten many shirts. I've payed my dues. Then I was selected for the big game. And I came through. I made those dusters look good. They would be nothing without me. Nothing could stop me. When I'm in the game, every pass is a killer pass. There would be no recovery. The Golden Goal could only be scored by the likes of me. "Look at me go. Catch me if you can!" Listen to the cheers..."GOOOAALLL!!!" Love it. "He's Smokin'!" Gosh, it feels great to be this fabulous. This is the life. I was meant to fly. This is no dream. Oh, look, wall to wall people cheering for ME! I am a beauty!

Golden Goal t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog

I Want Sushi

Ahhh! A lovely day for a swim. Love swimming and it is such good exercise. And why not stop out for a good meal afterwards. Nothing like gourmet food. Love to eat well. Hey, I'm worth it. I watch Dr. Phil. I deserve to be treated well. The only question is, where to dine. Look at all of the gorgeous colors. What an array. Stunning, really. All these choices. Stripes, spots...my my, nothing like fresh fish. They say it is really good for you. Something about omega oils. I just love it. It goes down so smooth. Of course, I've read all about the mercury warnings. Doesn't scare me a bit. Nothing scares me, look at these teeth. Grrr!!! Just kidding. My stomach just keeps screaming at me, "I Want Sushi." And my stomach trumps the warnings every time. It always knows best and hasn't failed me yet.
So Sushi It Is!
Hey, where's the butter?

Shark t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog
Lot's of funny t-shirts for the whole family.

A Foul-mouthed Cow

So I talk a little too much. So I let a few expletives slip. So I had a little too much too drink. So sue me. I've got things on my mind. Like that darn milk man. Thinks he can get whatever he wants out of me. Thinks he can have his way with me. He thinks he's such a charmer, with those strong masculine hands. Well I'm not that kind of cow. I have feelings too. So here I sit, late in the afternoon drowning my sorrows at this hole in the ground milk bar, smoking a fine cigar. He keeps taking it out so I'll keep pouring it back in. What does he care? Is he thinking about me? No. He got plenty of other cows to squeeze. Does he show any appreciation? Any gifts? A few bucks on the table would be nice. I'm lucky if I get a pat on the fanny. No, he knows he can get it whenever he wants it. So here I sit. "Pour me another one Sam, make it a double, chocolate this time."

Cowslip t-shirt is available at
The Smokin' Frog